Cold Feet-Loss of nerve or confidence
So what about when one is nervous yet confident in the relationship…what’s that called?
Being a “Single Girl” your entire life, or any one title that’s a piece of who you are, it’s very easy to get caught up when one of those things changes. (See “Which Box to Check” Post) For some of you that title change is from having no children to becoming a Mom. From being an employee to being the boss, etc, etc. One of my very recent changes, as most of you know is from Girlfriend to Fiancée. It’s a much different feeling than what I’d anticipated. And I’ve found that it’s thoughts I have about certain adjustments and thoughts other people have about the transition as well. It’s like all of a sudden there are things about me that “should” be different. And that’s an entirely different beast than the idea that you’re walking into a lifetime commitment. My LineSister/Best Friend lives out of state so she obviously came down for the surprise proposal (and was AMAZING helping him plan it out), but with all of that day’s excitement, we didn’t have much time to really talk. So when she came down a few weeks ago she said, “So how do YOU feel?”
It was so refreshing to hear someone ask that. All of the congratulatory wishes have been greatly appreciated. The ring stares. The compliments. The “you deserve this!” comments. It’s an amazing feeling. But let’s be honest. It’s scary as shit! Just like the man gets to be nervous and shaking and stuttering during the proposal, I think it’s only right for me to have that moment of “oh shit! My life is about to change forever.” I’m super excited meeting with our planner and talking to my bridesmaids, dress shopping, etc, etc. I’m even more excited that this incredible human being chose me to spend forever with. I’m looking very forward to all the journey entails. But does that mean I can’t be scared? Nervous? Have a case of (maybe/kinda/a little) cold feet…I don’t care if you think I can’t…because I think I can. Lol. I think it’s totally acceptable for me to feel both of those feelings, all of these things. So back to my BFF’s question, how do I feel?
I told her I was elated and still in awe of it, but that I’m afraid being someone’s “wife” may make me “less me.” I’m this independent, fun, transparent girl who writes about dating experiences for crying out loud…what does that mean once I’m his wife? Should I be less fun? Is it “less okay” for me to spend time with my single girlfriends? These are things I never really considered. Perhaps that makes me fairly naive but once they were brought to my attention, it made me go “mmmmm.” For example, every Halloween my girlfriends and I get dressed up and go to a big party. Sometimes we have themes; I mean it’s a really huge deal for us. This year, Halloween was literally one week after he proposed. I thought to myself, “maybe I shouldn’t wear my Captain America costume.” It was super short. Then my cousin told me I could wear it but that “fiancées wear tights on occasions like this.” The costume ended up being a size too big so I had to get a different one anyway. Thus avoiding the tights/no tights, new fiancée vs. girlfriend debacle. Lol. Then once I got to the club, a guy friend of mine jokingly said, “oh your fiancé still let’s you out of the house.” And it hit me, I’m still me, but there’s an expectation that I should be a watered down version of me…and I don’t see that happening.
I don’t think he expects that either. I don’t do anything I’m ashamed of. This is me. And I have to be okay with that even if the onlookers aren’t. But I’ve admittedly sort of found myself rebelling against what people think a wife looks like; as if my life is going to be a year long bachelorette party. Lol. But it’s not. I’m not a “single girl” anymore so figuring out what that looks like is my next task. Lastly, I thought this post’s picture was perfect being that my feet are cold because I have so many thoughts, but no reservations (insert the question mark in my title, LOL). Also because I’m wearing socks and a security blanket that at some point I’ll have to let go of…because I want to and being that I want to, I have to be able to add the word “wife” to the description that makes me, “Me.” So I guess I’ll just have to keep you guys posted on that…Until next week,