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cold feet

Cold Feet-Loss of nerve or confidence

So what about when one is nervous yet confident in the relationship…what’s that called?

Being a “Single Girl” your entire life, or any one title that’s a piece of who you are, it’s very easy to get caught up when one of those things changes. (See “Which Box to Check” Post) For some of you that title change is from having no children to becoming a Mom. From being an employee to being the boss, etc, etc. One of my very recent changes, as most of you know is from Girlfriend to Fiancée. It’s a much different feeling than what I’d anticipated. And I’ve found that it’s thoughts I have about certain adjustments and thoughts other people have about the transition as well. It’s like all of a sudden there are things about me that “should” be different. And that’s an entirely different beast than the idea that you’re walking into a lifetime commitment. My LineSister/Best Friend lives out of state so she obviously came down for the surprise proposal (and was AMAZING helping him plan it out), but with all of that day’s excitement, we didn’t have much time to really talk. So when she came down a few weeks ago she said, “So how do YOU feel?”

It was so refreshing to hear someone ask that. All of the congratulatory wishes have been greatly appreciated. The ring stares. The compliments. The “you deserve this!” comments. It’s an amazing feeling. But let’s be honest. It’s scary as shit! Just like the man gets to be nervous and shaking and stuttering during the proposal, I think it’s only right for me to have that moment of “oh shit! My life is about to change forever.” I’m super excited meeting with our planner and talking to my bridesmaids, dress shopping, etc, etc. I’m even more excited that this incredible human being chose me to spend forever with. I’m looking very forward to all the journey entails. But does that mean I can’t be scared? Nervous? Have a case of (maybe/kinda/a little) cold feet…I don’t care if you think I can’t…because I think I can. Lol. I think it’s totally acceptable for me to feel both of those feelings, all of these things. So back to my BFF’s question, how do I feel?

I told her I was elated and still in awe of it, but that I’m afraid being someone’s “wife” may make me “less me.” I’m this independent, fun, transparent girl who writes about dating experiences for crying out loud…what does that mean once I’m his wife? Should I be less fun? Is it “less okay” for me to spend time with my single girlfriends? These are things I never really considered. Perhaps that makes me fairly naive but once they were brought to my attention, it made me go “mmmmm.” For example, every Halloween my girlfriends and I get dressed up and go to a big party. Sometimes we have themes; I mean it’s a really huge deal for us. This year, Halloween was literally one week after he proposed. I thought to myself, “maybe I shouldn’t wear my Captain America costume.” It was super short. Then my cousin told me I could wear it but that “fiancées wear tights on occasions like this.” The costume ended up being a size too big so I had to get a different one anyway. Thus avoiding the tights/no tights, new fiancée vs. girlfriend debacle. Lol. Then once I got to the club, a guy friend of mine jokingly said, “oh your fiancé still let’s you out of the house.” And it hit me, I’m still me, but there’s an expectation that I should be a watered down version of me…and I don’t see that happening.

I don’t think he expects that either. I don’t do anything I’m ashamed of. This is me. And I have to be okay with that even if the onlookers aren’t. But I’ve admittedly sort of found myself rebelling against what people think a wife looks like; as if my life is going to be a year long bachelorette party. Lol. But it’s not. I’m not a “single girl” anymore so figuring out what that looks like is my next task. Lastly, I thought this post’s picture was perfect being that my feet are cold because I have so many thoughts, but no reservations (insert the question mark in my title, LOL). Also because I’m wearing socks and a security blanket that at some point I’ll have to let go of…because I want to and being that I want to, I have to be able to add the word “wife” to the description that makes me, “Me.” So I guess I’ll just have to keep you guys posted on that…Until next week,

Transparently Yours,



To starve-
1. To suffer or die from extreme or prolonged lack of food.

2. to be extremely hungry

3. To suffer from deprivation

One of my good girlfriends went through a pretty tough breakup this weekend. It’s several layers to it (that I will save for a later date), but it made me think about some personal writing I’d done sometime last year. It was about the end of one of my significant relationships. “End” is always a funny word to me in regard to romantic love (or any love really) because, as I’ve shared several times before, I’m not sure I believe love ends. I guess I mean “true love” (whatever that means to you). So when I’ve decided to “end things,” I admittedly have the “horrible” habit of letting my emotions kind of run astray, no, run amok may be more appropriate. Lol. I think I allow that to happen so I can just get it all out. To cry. To yell. To drink. To blab on to my close friends. To take his call and talk about the loose ends. And to eventually let that love form into whatever it was “supposed” to be. And in most cases, that’s meant loving them from afar. Respecting them and what we had. Having an eternally frozen moment in time that was once significant, therefore remaining significant, long after you’ve moved on….
As I attempted to explain this to my girlfriend, I could tell she was still in the “emotions running amok” phase. She repeatedly talked about what he did wrong and saying he kept holding back, rather holding them back, thus pushing her away. This again, reminded me of those old notes I jotted down last year. I coined it “Emotionally Starving.” Think about it, when one is hungry, like really hungry (or even thirsty), the idea of ANYTHING, an M&M, a pretzel, a freaking piece of gum in your mouth becomes appealing. Now, let’s be real, most of us have said, “OMG! I’m starving!” And “most of us” have no idea what that really is. Not eating for a few hours isn’t “starving,” but I understand the expression; I use it too. But to actually be starving. Being deprived, as in not having usage of, being denied access to something and in this case, someone. My ex emotionally starved me. Starved the shit out of me. I was raw and open and transparent and in love. He was some of those things, SOME of the time. But that’s the thing, whenever he would give me anything…a voice crack in an intense conversation, signaling he was a little chocked up and really meant it, or saying my name before the words, “I need to talk to you.” “I love you.” Anything. Even when the actions weren’t behind it. I was desperate for it. So I received it as what I needed. When knowing damn well I was starving for a steak (filet mignon, medium well specifically), but he had me backed in a corner, feeding me the emotional equivalent of plain M&M’s. NOT ENOUGH. But. For years I accepted it.
So I told my friend, feel what you feel. Receive it. But now that you understand your emotional starvation on account of this relationship, you have to accept that someone can’t give you what they don’t have. We’re not necessarily talking about those people who just don’t want to because they simply don’t care or that good ole phrase, “he’s just not that into you.” We’re talking about when you want something from someone and they do not have it to give to you. Essentially you two are in a desert together. You obviously need water. He doesn’t have it to give you. Period. He doesn’t have the emotional capacity to offer you what you’re looking for right now. And that is okay. Being on different pages is more than okay and it doesn’t make anyone the wrong party. However, now that you realize he can’t give you what you ultimately desire, you can either accept it and pray for the best or let it go and wait until you find someone who can. Relationships are bonds shared between TWO people. You want to grow together, to FEEL loved, to BE loved, to SHARE love. I would never tell anyone to “just leave” or to “end it.” That’s not my place. Also, over the years if I’ve learned nothing else, it’s that people will do what they want to do, WHEN they want to do it. But know this, at first you were just feeling it out, falling for one another, but now that you recognize what it is, and you choose to stay, you are culpable for perpetuating your own starvation. Just saying….



On October 23rd, 2015 I turned 30!!! 30, an age that has scared me for a very long time. As a child you believe 30 is sooooooo old and in your 20’s you think you will have it all figured about by 30. WRONG!!

I still feel young at heart and I am far way from having it all figured out. I honestly don’t know if there is such a thing. I’m not a complacent person and once one goal is achieved another has already been set. I spent my 20’s being a wife, mother, homeowner, business owner, daughter, sister, aunt and friend, taking care of and giving so much of myself to others, I’ve realized that I didn’t give enough to myself.

If you are a loyal reader, then you know that this year hasn’t been easy for me. My birthday is always a reminder that it’s time for me to renew the site. I purchased it 2  days after my 25th birthday. This year I didn’t know if I wanted to renew it. It’s been a very up and down relationship with My love for has diminished a great deal, my ideas are still there, it’s potential is still there, but my heart just hasn’t been in it, not like it needs to be to make it successful. Over the past 5 years, has had an online radio show, talk show, interviewed some of your favorite celebrities and reality stars, gave you fashion and beauty advice and opened up about our personal lives, the ups, downs, relationships and so much more. I had huge dreams for, but at this point it’s simply turned into an open diary.

October 25th (the renewal date), came and went. I didn’t renew. The site went offline. I contemplated just letting the site stay offline and not renewing, but you guys have been so amazing to us, you deserved an explanation.

The last year of my 20’s was filled with a lot of pain, disappointment, betrayal and depression. My plan was to thrown a big 30’s birthday party, but time got away from me and I was unable to plan it. 2 days before my birthday, my husband told me that due to a scheduling mix up he would have to be out of town for work on my actual birthday. A HUGE let down. My husband has had to be away on many occasions before, including Valentine’s Day and birthdays, but this was my 30th! And outside of myself, only he really knows just how hard this year was for me. I tried to make reservations for my friends and I for my birthday, but everything was booked. That night I partied with my girlfriends. Very appreciative that they all were there.

That week my husband and I along with our friends Keisha and Jameel headed to Punta Cana for a much needed vacation. Vacation was fun and relaxing, wish we could have stayed another day or 2, but work and the kids were calling. On Halloween night (the last day I celebrate my birthday every year) I dressed as Beyoncé from her Mrs. Carter Tour. I loved my costume (thanks Marsha) but Halloween this year didn’t feel the same. For one reason or another a lot of my girlfriends couldn’t make it, another bummer.

I want to start a clean slate for 30, well 30 and 10 days now. I’ve felt myself slipping back into becoming extremely sad and I don’t want to enter this next chapter this way. I have to do what makes me happy and stop putting my happiness and self worth in the hands of others. Easier said than done. My prayer for 30 is to continue to be a great wife and mom, to love myself and do what makes me happy and to realize when it is time to let go of old ways, people and things.

As far as, I am going to take the next few months and really focus on if this ( is something that I want to continue with or not. We haven’t given you our all or lived up to our full potential, that’s unfair to you all and the staff of I thought about putting us on official hiatus, but L’Oreal and our others writers still enjoy doing their weekly post. If I am inspired I will write, but for the rest of the year I want to fully focus on revamping and rejuvenating the site and myself. I will still check my email often. Please continue to write into us with questions or ideas. You guys have always helped me throughout my tough times, please continue to do so.


This isn’t goodbye, but a see you later!



This is one of those posts that I’d like to shy away from, one that greatly borders that general place of cliche. But after a few recent conversations I realize how prevalent it actually is in the lives of us who proclaim we “don’t care about what people think.” Let me start here, in my opinion, everybody cares to a certain degree what people think of them. No one wants to be perceived “wrong,” or in a way that’s contrary to how they feel about themselves. But I think the difference is this: caring about how people perceive you and reflecting on it momentarily vs. allowing their perceptions to alter your decisions. For example sake, (pre-engagement) out of nowhere, a faux relationship between some guy and I has been created in this wide spread game of telephone in our teeny little city. When the allegation got back to me, of course the “source” was anonymous. *insert annoyed emoji* But more than the “I heard this but can’t tell you who it is” bullcrap, it’s that my word wasn’t enough because they believed it, despite me saying it was the furthest thing from the truth. So in that instance, I cared what “they” thought. But after an argument ensued, I reminded myself that this is probably 1 of 1,000 plus things people are saying, have said and will continue to say. I had to let it go.

So I started reflecting on things I do and say and how much of it is based off of a reaction, feelings, thoughts or possible whispers of what “they” think. I find myself defending personal choices more often than I’d like. But why?? Because again, I claim I don’t care. My girlfriend and I were talking about having “ring guilt.” It’s going to sound silly (I know), but there is that moment where you’re obsessed with your ring and how great of a job your fiancé did, but then sometimes you feel a little guilty talking about the specifics. So, I always hope they don’t ask. Lol. I still blush when people talk about it and shy away from compliments. I really don’t know why but I don’t want to feel like I’m “showing it off.” But that’s back to “what people think.” I love it and I’m proud of it so I should take the congratulatory wishes. I’m working on it and so is my friend. She wouldn’t post pictures of her ring for years because she felt “showy,” but I just liked one she posted last week. Baby steps. Lol. Another friend of mine and I had a different conversation a few months back and she told me she thinks I’m a little self centered because I don’t view things from other people’s perspectives. Obviously I disagree. Lol. But. I don’t walk in her shoes, she does not walk in mine so I can’t clearly see her point and I’m not sure she will see mine. So one of my favorite things to do is to agree to disagree. Such is life. In that case, I avoided an argument because I can’t change her feelings and she can’t change mine. I care what she thinks because I love her and respect her feelings but again, I don’t agree. And for me, that was that. But everyone isn’t like that. For a time in my life, I wasn’t either. Three years ago, I would’ve been so offended and upset. Come hell or high water, I would’ve been in a place where it needed to be discussed until it was “sorted out.” But today at 30, no no. Again, let’s agree to disagree and she was fine with that. We moved on.

I tried to share this philosophy with another girlfriend of mine; it didn’t work so well. Her fiancé goes out to party a lot. “A lot” is relative for clarity, because I go out “a lot.” She used the words “all of the time.” Lol. She said, “I don’t understand why he thinks this is okay, because people are going to say, “well if he’s always out, when is he with her?” It didn’t really hit me at first because I was trying to calm her down. But later on as I was thinking about her, I felt really sad that “what they think” was a bullet point in her argument. This is the thing. You’ve already decided that they’re thinking about you at all, which is an entirely different issue. But more importantly, “they” don’t know shit! And “they” have all of these opinions about your life, but half of “them” have more than enough problems on their own plates. Your life should be the last thing they’re discussing and if your fiancé and his schedule is on their mind, there are a ton of other issues there.

The point being this, you have opinions, and so do I. But what’s that saying, “What you eat doesn’t make me shit?” Yeah that. Let’s mind our business. Lol. I literally do not have the time or the energy to have so many opinions about anyone else’s personal decisions. I’d be lying if I said “I never talk about people,” because we all do, but I think the real definitive thing in that is intention. Are you saying it to be malicious? Is this entertainment for you and your friends? Or were you asked to share your opinion? And if you have opinions, talk about it to your close friends, you siblings and/or your mate. But don’t be one of those idiots writing nasty comments under celebrity’s posts on Instagram and DEF don’t say offensive things to people you don’t know. Unsolicited advice is one of the top ten worst annoying things ever….Be blessed Dolls and don’t let the Homer Simpsons (Doh!) of the world and their opinions ruin your day. What “they” think of you is NOT your problem. Lastly, let’s ALL SAY it together “I WILL MIND MY BUSINESS TODAY.” Lol.



The Grey Area: Oversharing


I go back and forth with this one.. the whole idea of social media is odd to me… I don’t believe in being that open with people. I think it can offer people a glimpse into your life and in some ways, maybe for business purposes that can be good…but what do we get from sharing so much of our personal lives with the world… especially with strangers? This is a total Grey Area for me…. Some things, I feel like maybe mys haring can help others. I’ve really been forced to come out of that shell when it comes to being open and honest about some hard topics through IAmSuperGorge… Some weeks I have no idea what to write about. The topic that is plaguing me is usually there, it’s having the courage to put my feelings on paper that’s the hard part. I wonder if people are reading it with my tone or sentiment….will something be taken wrong and at the end of it all, can I change that?

I’ve been forced to come out with my innermost thoughts and feelings…sometimes, people can relate, others maybe not so much. Writing is a release in a sense… but the posting is the hard part. Some days, I write a post, and don’t share it on my page, because then it’s too personal.. I don’t want to be judged by what ti wrote or how people may interpret it… The Grey Area of sharing. I find myself doing the same thing with regular posts. I have periods where I go totally dark.. won’t post for weeks but other times I may feel so inclined to share a few things in a day! Maybe I can blame mercury being in retrograde.. or maybe I’m just stuck between sharing and being private.

I don’t feel that I get much out of posting so much of my daily life… An occasional work, party or date night post will do… event hen, I think and over think and debate deleting! Every.Single.Time. I’m not one of those people that could have an open page…. the thought of strangers scrolling through my life from 78 weeks ago just because I tagged a friend on a pic of Beyonce creeps me out… lol I don’t knock people that do, but for me, the mere thought causes me so much anxiety! Heck, thinking of people I don’t really know (clearly I don’t personally know 2,000 followers) screenshotting what I do post makes me nuts too! I don’t think people are so overly concerned with me and my life… I just think it’s the state of society we live in. Everyone can keep tabs on your life, your outings, your lover, your shopping habits and even your kid’s grades based on your social media sites! I am much more likely to flood my friends with a group chat and numerous pictures than I am to post it online…

I admire people that can live freely and openly. Unsure why I’m not like that. People have said before that I “never post”… but I’ve also found it odd that people seem to pick up on random pieces of your life… my girlfriend’s college roommate asking her how my ankle is bc I posted a pic of an ace bandage online creeps me out! I have a lot of things over the past week I thought about posting…then decided not to. Unsure if it’s me being shy, or private or just deciding that everything isn’t for everybody.. whatever it is, I don’t see me getting out of this Grey Area anytime soon. I guess time will tell and the world will certainly find out!


Carrie B.